I have said before that I write in a journal which helps with my sanity. (A little)
I wrote this last night as I crawled into bed. I thought I would share this journal with you.
I’m tired.
I know my children don’t want to hear how tired I am constantly, and I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say my friends would get pretty tired of hearing me say how tired I am. So, when I’m asked, “How are you doing?” I say, “Oh Good”, I’m good!” But what I mean is…I’m tired.
I am not tired of taking care of Gary. I can handle the “care”. (Most of the time!) The three meals a day… I cross my fingers he will “somewhat” enjoy. Making sure he gets a snack in the early morning and again in the late afternoon with a glass of cold lemonade to keep his energy up. Chasing him into the bathroom multiple times a day (and night) to see if he needs help “cleaning up”. Taking him on our daily walk. And distracting him when he gets “antsy”…Day after day after day after day. I can handle that.
I’m tired because I can’t talk to him. I’m tired because I am so lonely. I’m tired of him saying words and thoughts throughout the day and all through the night that don’t make any sense whatsoever! (Yesterday, he asked me if he was pregnant…I replied, “it’s not mine”!)
I’m tired of missing out. On everything! ALL of the fun stuff that makes me happy. Missing out on Whit and Laney’s cheer, soccer, and every school event. Missing out on all the games we have missed for Annie Kate and Payton because they start too late and Gary crashes by 7:00 pm. Missing out on my little ones, Merle and Daisy, because I’m just too tired to play hide and seek.
I miss my friends.
I miss my sister.
I miss my life.
I’m so tired.
There are no words Tracy. I think about you and your daily life often. The struggle is real. You are real! Gary is real!
You set the bar high for dealing with a difficult situation as well as you do.!!
Know that!
Anyone thinking they are more stressed and exhausted , this should be a good reminder.
🩵
Love you sweetie!
I am not alone. For sure!!! At this time in our lives the bumps are inevitable but I just throw a little pity party out into the universe (ie…social media) and I get enough hugs to get me through! One friend just text me that she would bring martini’s TO ME!!!!
SEE THERE…it’s always good to spill it out to the “universe”, you never know what good things will come your way!!!
Of course you are tired as you should be. My heart hurts reading this. I miss you my most fun friend ❤️❤️❤️
I appreciate the love Susan. I do feel loved, and count my blessings everyday…thanks to friends like you!
Life is soooo hard. Because you are so witty, you often make your hard life stories so amusing…but so real. Being a caregiver is the absolute hardest job you will ever undertake. Continue to be the blessing that you have truly become. And bitch about it every day…if it feels good! Huge hugs.
I can bitch on a good day Angela, and you are one of the best sound boards for it, because you always can relate! You are one of the best story tellers I know and always make me laugh. Now that is gift! Thank you!
Tracy! Sending you love and hugs! Breaks my heart for you, for Gary, and your family.
You handle everything with such grace! But I know you must be so very tired that everything is so different now. Just know you are not alone. And you are so loved. Words seem so inadequate but just know I am praying for you and your family. I do love our chats and visits at the salon ♥️
Lori, you have saved many lives by literally “standing by us” through all of it. I love you so much, and appreciate your ears even more!
❤️Thank you for sharing..let it all out!
And having a little humor (you have to!) is good for the soul!
Thank you Ashley. I have a habit of “letting it ALL out”! (One of the reasons I don’t post ALL of my journals)
Tracy
I look so forward to reading your blogs. Whenever you post that you’ve written one, I stop whatever I’m doing and read it. They are honest. They are funny. They are heart wrenching. They are real. I think the word weary is such a good word! Sometimes I use it to describe being more than tired, which I’m sure you are! God Bless you!
Terri, “weary”…that’s a great word! And describes me well. Thanks for reading my blogs…I look forward to getting back to the more “cynical” ones… And write stories about things like my obsession for potato chips! You know…the important stuff!
Sweet Tracy, I can imagine what you are going through, because you know our family lived it, too. You are a warrior!! I hope that sharing your life through your journals will help you endure what you have been given. I never once have heard a ‘Why me?’ from you. Keep posting if it helps!! We love all your stories and your heart. God Bless You!!❤️
Thank you Carole, journaling is lifesaving. I hope to share more in the future. And not such “heavy” ones…because a LOT of funny things happen along this journey as well. So blessed for all my friends, especially the ones that “get it”! Sadly…there are a lot! Take care!
Bless you Tracy❤️🙏
I do know the feelings you are having. It somewhat reminds me of how we felt at several phases of our lives. This too shall pass and then there will be other phases. You are teaching so much by sharing your feelings.
I hope it is helping you.
Thank you LeAnn, your words of encouragement are so helpful. I hope to see you next time you come up! Stay in touch!
I don’t even know where to begin. I hurt for you! What you are saying and experiencing is painfully true! Bless you. You are one strong, beautiful person. Keep the faith, the humor and honesty going…it’s therapeutic for all of us. Much love and prayers. Sandy Loftin Milcich
Journaling seems to help me a little bit and if I’m helping anyone that is going through something similar, well now that is just a great big powerful bonus! I should have stayed in line when they were handing out “patience”! Much love back to you Sandy!