A few weeks ago Gary said I have a blog idea for you. Unaffected by my silence he went on to say you should write about how important it was for you to get accepted into the Junior Service League of Gainesville. This was a hilarious topic to him because he knew it was not just “important” …my ENTIRE self worth depended on it.
Yesterday at church our minister was giving a sermon on rejection and how it effects your self esteem. (I know…me…church? It was Easter….so there you go) That’s all I remember as my attention span suffers tremendously when I am forced to listen to others. I immediately started day dreaming about myself, my rejections, and trying to reflect on how young I was when I became aware of the fear. I think by the first grade I decided to veto this disease (a reject) at all cost.
I was and still am “The cheerleader that never was”. My one and only hope and dream I had as an adolescent was to be a cheerleader. I cartwheeled all day every day. I practiced my “jumps” in front of the mirror relentlessly and dreamed only of pleated skirts and v neck sweaters. I had a passion, and as sad as this story is… it only gets worse.
I wanted to be popular. Well, let me explain. If you aren’t smart…you need a backup plan…and mine was to try to be “liked”…with a key focus on one particular boy. You guessed it…I have another rejection story. It is a sad tale of a young boy and a wavering young girl. His name was Tommy, and you are all more than welcome to read the journal of this longing 15 year old, and her desperate attempt of making someone “like” her! “The love story…that never was”! End of story. So I grew up (kinda) and moved on. Married young, and moved to my husbands small quaint home town in GA…and found myself on a massive man hunt…for girl friends.
This is where you think, boy I should go get more wine and grab a tissue…but spoil alert….this story has a happier ending. I set off on my journey to make some bff’s. It took some time. I had a job, so I couldn’t just jump right into the cool crowd. No…I had to work it. To be “accepted” by homey’s is no cake walk (even at Enota Elementary school)… and it’s not just here…it’s hard everywhere, but I was ambitious and this was going to be my REAL JOB! I joined a Methodist Women’s group and other clubs, played bridge (not easy when you are not accustom to counting), and went to LUNCHEONS wearing PANTY HOSE! I did it all in the name of the Junior Service League of Gainesville, GA! I did it in the name of having a sense of belonging. Well, I won’t keep you guessing a minute longer from this profound cliff hanger…I realize how agonizing this story is becoming….
I GOT IN!
I made it. I was not rejected and I had friends. Yes, it was a happy day. Yes, you can laugh now… because I know how ridiculous this is. I’m laughing with you…at me.
The feeling of BELONGING is what I was looking for and needed. (not a club with a president, secretary and treasure) I’m afraid this will always be my job. It makes my soul whole and my spirit rise. I find security in my friends and a belonging.
Rejection is awful. I have had the fortune to experience much smaller doses of it than I deserve. My desire to be liked is not a mistake. I understand it is not an achievable goal to be liked by the vast majority…(I know…that sucks) but I am simply in awe, bewildered, and perplexed by the gift of the most incredible awesome people that have been in my life, that are in my life, and will become a part of my life. You are me…and it makes me want to do a cartwheel!
I get it now.
Getting IT…is far far better than getting in, but it all feels good!
Meeting is now adjourned,
Madame President…. of the LOVE CLUB
I Love You, Dad!
I can’t imagine anybody rejecting my sweet precious Tracy Jane! I will admit, however, there were times when you could be obstinate but those periods didn’t last long and you were once again sweet lovable Tracy. Love your blog(s) and you!
Definition of obstinate: stubborn, determined….Who ME?
Thank you MJ…I love you too!
This brought back so many memories for me! I have the same problem with church, always have. I can’t imagine how anyone expects people to listen to them speak more than 10 minutes ands not have their mind wonder. I had a boy that I yearned for all through high school, Wade. His daddy was a preacher and I listened to ‘Son of a Preacherman’ for hours on end. I was tall and thin and prayed every night that my stomach would stick out as much as my butt and that I would have the curvy figure that all the girls with boyfriends had. In my 30’s I saw him and in the conversation I was about to ask him if he knew I had a huge crush on him, but he looked deeply into my eyes and said,”Now which grade were you in?” But don’t ever say that God doesnt answer prayers, because now, 45 years later, much to my dismay, my stomach sticks out MORE than my butt. Also, I’ve found the best friends of my life here in Gville and it all started with the League.
I wish I knew what it is like to pray for a tummy…that is funny, and ol Wade missed out! Thanks for reading my blog and I agree Gainesville has remarkable people! We are lucky girls!
I love your blogs Tracy- this one cackled me up cause I think I remeber long discussions about the ‘Tommy’ crush!!! Wish I knew how to forwar to Cathy cause she doesn’t do Facebook- keep writing these blogs – hope to see you in Lakeland!!!
You probably felt a lot of responsibility for me (as a therapist) back in the day…Thanks you!! I would love you to share my blogs with Cathy!
Tell her to go to my website https://www.seriouslyurkidding.com
Oh, how you make me laugh, Tracy! I do love reading your blogs. Keep them coming!
Thanks Carole and thanks for sharing with Morgan!
Tracy, your blog post always put a smile on my face! I don’t think we ever out grow our fear of rejection. We were all so young when we went through rush at Brenau and waited for that early morning League invite to be delivered. It is funny to look back. I think about all the girl friends I made by being in the League. Also being a Gainesville Girl, all the wonderful gals that moved here from other towns.
If it hadn’t been for the league and our bridge group we would have missed out on so much! Keep on writing your blog. I am sure it makes a lot of other girls smile too!
Debbie I thought you were the coolest girl at Brenau and so kind! Thanks for comment. We have shared memories from way back and I cherish them all!
I love how you are not afraid to be brutally honest…And admit to all the things that so many of us never have. You’re awesome, and I’m glad you know it now. :). Your blog posts always make me smile!
So nice Kim…I enjoy writing and I get a big kick out of giving you something to smile about!
Tommy called with the rest of the story. His name is now Tomasina LaGrande, and performs nightly at The Banana Peel in Midtown. He said he knew he was destined to be a cabaret performer even then, and wanted to save you years of heartbreak. – Robin
HaHaHaHaHa! Thanks for update on Tom…I can sleep now!
Tracy,
Have you considered that perhaps your mind wonders because you actually could be ADD?. Your mind still wanders and therefore your words/ story wanders right along tthe winding river with it. I did not know when you were in elementary school,getting married or working or cheerleading! what is even more amazing to me,is the favorable response you had from folks who apparantly understood your story very well. Makes me wonder if perhaps my Adderall dosage needs to be adjusted.
Thx for sharing your mixed up( shook up) memories,
Gilda
Gilda, It is always helpful to get a free evaluation! Thanks for reading!
So I am sitting at work this morning wondering why I am still working in such a stressful job, with a line of people outside my door waiting for me to solve their problems, and I get your email about your blog. I stop what I am doing and read every word and I know somehow that there was a real message in there for me. Maybe it is time for me to just have fun in life. Maybe it’s ok to not feel like I have to have a job to be me. I don’t have enough fun because I am working all the time and I limit my wine intake so I don’t feel bad when I have to show up in the morning. Why?
Thanks for the inspiration! Love your blog!
By the way, I was a wanna be cheerleader too and I have never gotten over it either!
I have a feeling staying in your bathrobe til noon (like me) won’t be the kind of “fun” you’re looking for. Now we may have something with the need to drink more wine. I started writing my blog about a year ago and have enjoyed every minute, but I think being “discovered” as the next Erma Bombeck will be as likely as me being a Dallas Cheerleader!
Thanks for reading!!!! See you in Charleston…some day! Love and miss you!
You are so talented! I love reading your blogs. They always make me think, smile and just reflect on life. I’m so lucky to have found the wonderful town of G’ville as well. And it’s people like you, who make my experience here so special! Love being “in your life” and hope to stay that way for a long time!!
Fran….YOU have five million trillion talents and I’m honored to call you my friend. I enjoy all porch parties, but you certainly bring life to them when you are around. Let’s keep em going!!! Thank you:)
MORE! I’m addicted and I have only 3 to read…
You are amazing…
Pam…No blog binging! It’s not healthy:)
Thank you.
WHERE have I been… I am BEYOND impressed with your writing, can’t remember the last time I literally laughed out loud😉 Can’t wait to read the rest of them.
Well look at me now…COURTNEY MARTIN likes my blog. A homey…. I”M IN, I”M in…I really am in!
JK!
YOU are too sweet Courtney…if I could paint like you I would KNOW for sure I had a true talent! A “painter” just sounds so much cooler than “a blogger”.
Anyway, you keep painting and commenting on my blogs…seeing your comments makes me feel “liked”! Thank you!